Cause i miss you, baby.

i'm only posting because i know i have GOT to have shit on my head.
just dont know what it is.
saw my parents today.
both.
first time i've seen my dad since he kicked me out.
hot damn.
it was my own little christmas miracle.
oh JOY.
fucking JOY, and HAPPINESS, AND RAINBOWS.
fuck, im full with such anger.
i havent been angry like this for a while.




lovely..
just...
ugh.













i don;t know how to feel about all this.
i want to be happy,
but i dont want to fake it.

i need help,
im so lost.
i feel like a little kid lost in a big old store, lost, but excited.
being alone in the store,
but at the same time wanting mommys hand.....



i dont know i dont know i dont know!
i just gotta...shove it all inside.
hide it.
because i cant put this on them.
i cant put it on him.

My brain hurts alot [Thats all we've got]

this is mi padre.

missing my mom.
really, really badly.
its December 23rd,
lovely date, eh?
god i've never dreaded christmas.
everymorning i wake up and the first thing i want to do is cry.
but i can't let this drag me down.
i can't let this ruin my holiday.
i can't let this take away from my relationship.
i can't push him away, i've been stuck in this one spot for too long.
im not angry at them anymore.
i just want..
i just want to talk to them. see them.
i miss them.
i want to cry,
but i don't want them to know im upset.
i cant cry to anyone.
im tired of being the one who brings people down.
should i have let go already?
they are my parents...
were?
are?
my moms the 'egg donor' in this house.
well, i feel off.
if your reading this, you don't know what happened.
maybe it'll help me to let go.
well, ok.
last year around august,
[august 20th]
i got with kamron.
kamron led to sex drugs and rock N' roll.
i hadn't as much as kissed anyone else, basically before him.
i wanted to be out of the house, and i loved the independence.
i also grew a spine.
sleeping on park benches makes you think things over.
i told CPS about my dad, and then my mom had a breakdown.
she couldn't deal with out my dad.
so i told CPS i lied.
well i was out all weekend, and so on, i'd go home and they would leave me alone, almost isolation.
me and my mom fight every time we talk.
finally i can't take it anymore, and i run away.
for 5 days.
gone.
i was here, At admas house. kamron stayed with me, but this boy, adam caught my eye- he was nice to me. something kamron wasn't unless he wanted to bone.
i tell him everything, i tell him about stars and love and family, pain, love. he tells me the same, but im with kamron, and kamron is his 'brother'....
and i had to go home.
i go home and they scream at me.
no warm reception.
no, are you ok?
just...
YOUFUCKEDUP.
thats all i ever got.
why do they think i left!?!??!
eventually, October 20-something rolls around, and kamron breaks up with me.
i cried all of 5th period,
and made a bee-line for adam during passing period. he just held out his arms, and i just clung. i was heart broken.
kamron had been such a bad idea, he would build me up ony to break me down over and over and over... it was horrible.
i got with adam quickly after, on Halloween.
then. march 12 me and my mom got in another fight. a big one. i dont remember our fights, i forget them after about 10 minutes.
thats how bad it is,. i have to mentally block them to be sane.
what the FUCK...
march 18th adam proposed.
made me so happy.
<3

my parents weren;t ready to have a kid and they did.
they still are children. im always the adult!
i know i cant go back to that house.
do you know how many times his hands have been around my throat?
how many times he made me hate myself?
i still hate myself.
im hideous, im a bitch, and i'm way too emtional.
i hate myself.
he did that to me.
....
and she didn't stop him.
then why do i miss them?
what makes them good enough to miss?
what makes them worth my tears, my pain?
what makes them so worthy?
they boned without a condom?
oh JOY.
[godthatsdisgusting]

i dont know how to just let go of all this.
all this pain.
i dont know,
im so lost,
im so lonely.
i have no one to cry to.
i have T.
i love my T.

but their not worth my time.



i hate christmas.




Fuck christmas.

This is mi madre and i.

all this.

I'm rather sad.
I've been getting sad around this time for years now.
i hate that my family will have an all out war, and around Christmas just forget about it for a day-
fake?
but a the same time i love it.
i just hate this.
people as much as mention Christmas, i get so sad.
we got our Christmas trees today.
they got me a charlie brown one, so it'll be like home..
but...
i dunno.
im so happy with my little tree, but at the same time it makes me sad.
i want my mommy i want my daddy,
but i can't let him know that anymore,
i dont want to push him away.
i can't push him away,
i need him.
he hates when i get like this, because he can't fix it.
i just...
i dont know what to do with all this pain.
all this emotion.

it'll be you and me, up in the trees...

this is my boy.
his name is adam, and i love him.
he's completely retarded.
today , he's shown me alot.
he's given me strength.
how?
i talked to my mom, and i just broke down.
he got mad-
he does every time.
and finally, i asked why.
"Because everytime you talk to her you get your heart broken!"
and it made me see,
he was so protective of me.
he holds my hand when im scared,
he holds me close when im sad,
he saves me from my night mares,
he's my best friend.
yes, i bitch about him.
but every relationship has bumps.
if you don't your not communicating.
or your like Amish.




for a long time i've felt that for someone to love me,
i have to look my best.
i have to do 'sexual' things to be what they want.
i think he's catching on,
because lately..
we cuddle and talk.
theres nothing more,
and i like it.
i like going to sleep and just..
knowing he loves me no matter what.
i knew it before.
but oddly i feel its amplified.
i think i just went up another rung in the 'relationship latter'
with him.

you know what?

i'm going to marry this boy.
he's so amazing.
i know i sound like some little school girl with some crush,
but we've been through so much.
death, life, hard times, good times, family, fights, love, hate....
and in the end i know we can make it.

"I awaken armegeddon, and feed apon a thousand souls"

trying to calm down, angry angry angry.

im such an angry person, for real.
i hate this!
DHL, FEDEX, AND IPOD NEED BETTER INSTRUCTIONS!

JESUS
FUCKING
CHRIST.

listening to things that calm me down, but all im doing is wanting angry music.
sweet, nine inch nails...
i hate my anger so much, i really do. its almost ridiculous how angry i get. i get slightly angry, and every time it just blossoms into this viscous thing. i almost killed kira's dog today, i really, truely did . god im so angry, i want to hurt some one, i want to hurt myself. im calling hound...
annnnnd she can't fucking talk.
i really like cussed the DHL guy out on accident. i apologized, and he was like.. OK...

BTW:
Dethklok.
listen to it.

Awesome

What the hell.

for real?

he argues with me for EVERY little thing.

no matter how minute!

i hate it!

we had our weight maximums already wtitten on a paper, and he had to get started, but he decided he needed to write them again, and i said to just get started, and he looked at me, and kept writing.

and he keeps making atheist jokes.

i FUCKING hate those jokes.

im ok with them-

if their not told 5 times over and over.

for real?

i understand dane cook is funny.

but really?

sonofabitch.

but now, really? we decided to have a good day. we WILL have a good day. why?i'm tired of crying,im tired of this anger. im tired of being overly emotional.

im sick and tired of being sick and tired.

im tired of being sad about christmas.

this is a happy time of year.

not for me.

my first time away from my parents.

and i know if im mopey on that day, i'll get in trouble.

but...

i don't know if i'll be able to help it.

i just...

i dont know.

im hungry, cramping, irritated, sleep-deprived and now dredding christmas.

awesome.

feeling off once again.
dunno.
im at school, im so glad this web site isn't blocked.
senior year,
dear god.
im almost going into the real world.
the REAL world.
a JOB.
college.
at least i have adam by my side, right?
....
shit, i really want to go home.
badly.
my stomach kept me up all night.
i threw up in the middle of the night.
shit sucks.
anyways.
im going to theatre now..
fantastic.