Pictures from my mind

Handlebars

i Hate to follow trends, i really do. I always feel like sheep to the slaughter if i do. i had my moments when i was a preteen. Tripp Pants, Good Charlotte, Ties over tee-shirts, Eye-liner tears.
Now that i've taken a step back from all that, so i can see the whole process in full, i see nothing but society slowly rotting away at the followers minds.
They don't think for themselves, they do as their favorite artists do.
Honestly, i don;t even know many new artist's names.
I listen to the beatles, i listen to Nine inch nails. i listen to Run DMC. Prince.
i have a few newer bands, but their surely not on MTV.
[wheres the music on MTV?]
But what am i trying to get at?
There was a recent new song.
it was every where, and i had never heard it. i stumble apon it one day,
and by god its amazing.
i hated myself for listening to it, but it made me feel empowered, it made me want to go out and change the world.
'Handlebars' by the flobots.
yes, the very song.
it makes me feel like i can do anything.
everything.
i can take on the world, and the only thing stopping me is me.
why?
i don't believe in myself, and i never have?
why?
i have always been told by my elders i can't.
My bipolar held me back.
My depression held me back.
lately i've felt as if im one of those poor 'ADHD' children that the mothers just wanted to keep calm so they drugged them up.
who Sedates a child?
That bountiless energy..
it has to be let out so that they may see the world!
[small rant...]
but what im saying is that i believe im not bipolar.
simply for the resason that it went away after i moved out of my parents.
recently i've been researching "Munchausen's Syndrom by proxy"
and the information just hits me in the face.
it all sounded familiar.
i felt almost reminded, not informed.
what scared me is that it is a form of child abuse.
now, i knew i was abused, in many forms of the word.
But it hurts to hear someone else[or something...]
say it.

Amazing, Already?

So i had planned on coming onto this website and being positive, writing out my beliefs, my theories, and my dreams, but lets face it:
I'm a teenage girl.
A teenage girl with boy problems, yet again.
I don;t know if this is unusual to people or not, but i'm engaged.
i live with him and all that jazz.
well, somethings been bothering me, and its been going on for over a year now.
here's a bit of background info:
The other day i was in gym class, in the weight room. There's only 7 girls, so we have to step up a bit to keep up. i was randomly puttimh weights on a machine, more to get them off the floor then anything, and the guys in the room started in.
"Oh, she can't do it."
"she can't lift shit!"
So i of course hope on the machine, and grip the bar. i unhook it, and it just drops, my shoulders taking all the weight. some new guy in class and dashed behind me, and he grabbed it before it got me.
now mind, my fiance just watched.
but he pushed me out of the way, and got it up.

And so, my shoulders have been hurting like a bitch.
a pmsing bitch.
i tell my boy, and he just gets angry with me. i had just taken medication for it, and he didnt really care.
I dont like to tell him when im upset, cause he gets mad.
says i over react, which is probably true, but its not his job to bitch at me for crying.
[i have severe depression, dick head]
he's supposed to comfort me and he doesn't.
i have to TELL him too.
he's my everything...
and he's good to me,
he is.
He's my best friend.
[i feel like he lies to me]

him?
he's over there laughing his ass off,
fine.
im over here,
wanting to go swallow a handful of meds.
but hey,
im just over reacting, right?