[Hectic is the way i like it.]

I can do WHAT i want, i can do it WHEN i want. if i want to fuck, i will. if i want to be a polite little girl, i can be. I am my own person. Maybe this is a good thing, this new confidence. Im ready to take on the world and i know i can deal. i am my own person! i don't need anyone, although i want them around. needing is for the weak. once you NEED a person in your life, its no longer your life, its theirs. they are in control.

No one controls me.

Curtains can't hide everything.

I have to take this pain, and turn it into anger. i have to make it fuel me in a way that is positive, and good. take my aches, my pains, and let that motivate me to never let it happen to me again. i will not be manipulated. i will not be hurt more then once. there are no re-dos, you do not respawn. i refuse to be the ignorant female who gets beaten down and stays anyways. ive been there and it is not a happy place. it is not a good thing. i have a good thing going for me right now, but i still get scared, ive been used ive been hurt in all senses of the word- people change in anger. You never know.

I;m a paranoid mess, but i keep glancing back, thinking. wondering. theres this small window of.. Remember that? remember my puzzle peice? then i make myself pull ALL the curtains back to see the monster of the relationship. i see suicidal thoughts i see mental abuse. i see pain, i see having to stand my ground alone when i should have had my partner.

now i look at my life. its tainted with pain, it paranoid, but i am safe, i am happy. i have many new, and old good influence, and i am loved. appreciated.

Lets start this again, shall we?

I started this blog by complaining, and i started it by bitching. i Don't want to delete it simply because of memories, but lets start one more time.

My name is Devon Vee, and i want to see things differently. I'm the person who will actually listen to the other sides of arguments just out of the pure curiosity that pretty much rules my life. I'm that person whose curiosity gets them into trouble.

I'm o.k. with that.
Meh, no one reads this anyways.

it didnt even matter. went to see a movie. fun and all.
18, oh yay.
graduation? didn't do shit.
she fucking graduates AND OH MY GOD.
FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU.
why didn't you come home?
come home.
i wanna go home.
im crying with the door open.
and no one is here for me.
no one.



i don't belong here.
i feel so useless.

I’m totally not blogging from blogger.

New Laptop! and it has blogger ON the desktop.

How OG is that?

If i ever leave this world alive.... again.

i know this won't go away, and i know i have to deal with this right now and right here or else i'm going to go crazy.

i want to kill myself. yes, i am sad, and no i`m not going to do it. but i feel as if people would simply be better off without me. i feel like i even hold t down. i feel like i am nothing but a burden to my parents. i feel like Adam could do better. i feel like at the end of the month, there would be more food if i was gone. i feel like this world would simply improve without me. Yes, people would be sad, but after that sadness, lives would improve. or at least look up a little bit.

I feel like my one life could easily be removed, and make many peoples lives so much more enriched. i feel like i am nothing but a barrier. i am constantly depressed, constantly angry, or constantly clingy. i am nothing.

i try and i try and i try. but there is nothing but more want. i am but one person and i have no more to give. i`m all washed up. now please leave me be. because even though i do it, it isn't good enough. whats the point in trying at all?

in anything? whats the point of anything anymore? only 2 people are true to me all the time. T. Adam. well, and my parents. i love them so much.

i wish people could see i hurt. i wish people could see my tears. but i am invisable. adam knows, but he's...over there.

imagine if he could get some one better, with less emotional baggage. imagine how fine he would have it in life. imagine. imagine.

imagine my parents with me gone. at least they'd have a real excuse i don't get on YIM, right?
imagine t. no more worrying about devon, or doing dtuff for her, or getting her stuff because no one else will.
imagine.

imagine the house with more room. one less person. imagine.


just imagine.


and i'd be your memory.
but all i would want was to be forgotten.
and i can't tell adam this, because he would be so sad, and he doesn't read my blogs.
cause i don't let him.





i need. i don't know what i need.
but something is obviously wrong.

i swear i just wrote about this shit.
stupid mind killing depression.
it takes me down and keeps me down.
your texting me.
keeps me sane as i can be.
i hurt i hurt.
he is so mean sometimes.
i was asking if he was ok.
thats it.
its a game... thats all it is.
and...
i hurt.
i'm done.