My brain hurts alot [Thats all we've got]

this is mi padre.

missing my mom.
really, really badly.
its December 23rd,
lovely date, eh?
god i've never dreaded christmas.
everymorning i wake up and the first thing i want to do is cry.
but i can't let this drag me down.
i can't let this ruin my holiday.
i can't let this take away from my relationship.
i can't push him away, i've been stuck in this one spot for too long.
im not angry at them anymore.
i just want..
i just want to talk to them. see them.
i miss them.
i want to cry,
but i don't want them to know im upset.
i cant cry to anyone.
im tired of being the one who brings people down.
should i have let go already?
they are my parents...
were?
are?
my moms the 'egg donor' in this house.
well, i feel off.
if your reading this, you don't know what happened.
maybe it'll help me to let go.
well, ok.
last year around august,
[august 20th]
i got with kamron.
kamron led to sex drugs and rock N' roll.
i hadn't as much as kissed anyone else, basically before him.
i wanted to be out of the house, and i loved the independence.
i also grew a spine.
sleeping on park benches makes you think things over.
i told CPS about my dad, and then my mom had a breakdown.
she couldn't deal with out my dad.
so i told CPS i lied.
well i was out all weekend, and so on, i'd go home and they would leave me alone, almost isolation.
me and my mom fight every time we talk.
finally i can't take it anymore, and i run away.
for 5 days.
gone.
i was here, At admas house. kamron stayed with me, but this boy, adam caught my eye- he was nice to me. something kamron wasn't unless he wanted to bone.
i tell him everything, i tell him about stars and love and family, pain, love. he tells me the same, but im with kamron, and kamron is his 'brother'....
and i had to go home.
i go home and they scream at me.
no warm reception.
no, are you ok?
just...
YOUFUCKEDUP.
thats all i ever got.
why do they think i left!?!??!
eventually, October 20-something rolls around, and kamron breaks up with me.
i cried all of 5th period,
and made a bee-line for adam during passing period. he just held out his arms, and i just clung. i was heart broken.
kamron had been such a bad idea, he would build me up ony to break me down over and over and over... it was horrible.
i got with adam quickly after, on Halloween.
then. march 12 me and my mom got in another fight. a big one. i dont remember our fights, i forget them after about 10 minutes.
thats how bad it is,. i have to mentally block them to be sane.
what the FUCK...
march 18th adam proposed.
made me so happy.
<3

my parents weren;t ready to have a kid and they did.
they still are children. im always the adult!
i know i cant go back to that house.
do you know how many times his hands have been around my throat?
how many times he made me hate myself?
i still hate myself.
im hideous, im a bitch, and i'm way too emtional.
i hate myself.
he did that to me.
....
and she didn't stop him.
then why do i miss them?
what makes them good enough to miss?
what makes them worth my tears, my pain?
what makes them so worthy?
they boned without a condom?
oh JOY.
[godthatsdisgusting]

i dont know how to just let go of all this.
all this pain.
i dont know,
im so lost,
im so lonely.
i have no one to cry to.
i have T.
i love my T.

but their not worth my time.



i hate christmas.




Fuck christmas.

This is mi madre and i.