so,
second blog,
and im just pissed.
new years.
can't get drunk.
well,
we do have a bit of malibu.
......
i'll chug it when hounds little sister is gone.
or away..
then were gonna smoke a bowl later.


still mad.

the things these people do to calm me down./...

No more, No less.

new years.
a resolution?
thinkthinkthink.....
i want to say something about my parents.
but i want to say something about my friends.
or about family?
maybe self gain?
so i've decided.



My new years resolution is:
To Care less.



yup, thats it.
cause if i care less, i wont care about my parents. i wont care about my friends, i wont care about the family, i wont care about myself.




no
more
caring.

Meet my hana.

So, i feel like you people should know about the person i hang out with most of the time.
She is, to be quite honest, a raging bitch.
she's very truthful,
she's an excellent artist.
she's my sister, and theres no question about it.
i love her more then anyone.
[sorry flower!]
she has my other ipod headphone,
coloring as i type this.
i cry to her all the time.
she listens,
and is amazing.


Her name is Hana,
and she is 8.



this is hana.
[THE HANANATOR]

its kind of odd for me, having a younger sibling. its never occurred to me before what it felt like to. its silly, but i've actually found myself getting proud of hana for the littlest things- she amazes me every day. she's so mature for her age. she's as mature as i am, and yet she is still an 8 year old at heart. i've seen her grow from a little kid to a young women so quickly. it made me sad at first, to see that she;s letting her childhood go so quickly...but she still is a child, and she's enjoying it so much. i love going to the school and seeing her play with the other kids, it shows mw she is still a child....
and yeah, this is hana, and she is amazing.

Cause i miss you, baby.

i'm only posting because i know i have GOT to have shit on my head.
just dont know what it is.
saw my parents today.
both.
first time i've seen my dad since he kicked me out.
hot damn.
it was my own little christmas miracle.
oh JOY.
fucking JOY, and HAPPINESS, AND RAINBOWS.
fuck, im full with such anger.
i havent been angry like this for a while.




lovely..
just...
ugh.













i don;t know how to feel about all this.
i want to be happy,
but i dont want to fake it.

i need help,
im so lost.
i feel like a little kid lost in a big old store, lost, but excited.
being alone in the store,
but at the same time wanting mommys hand.....



i dont know i dont know i dont know!
i just gotta...shove it all inside.
hide it.
because i cant put this on them.
i cant put it on him.

My brain hurts alot [Thats all we've got]

this is mi padre.

missing my mom.
really, really badly.
its December 23rd,
lovely date, eh?
god i've never dreaded christmas.
everymorning i wake up and the first thing i want to do is cry.
but i can't let this drag me down.
i can't let this ruin my holiday.
i can't let this take away from my relationship.
i can't push him away, i've been stuck in this one spot for too long.
im not angry at them anymore.
i just want..
i just want to talk to them. see them.
i miss them.
i want to cry,
but i don't want them to know im upset.
i cant cry to anyone.
im tired of being the one who brings people down.
should i have let go already?
they are my parents...
were?
are?
my moms the 'egg donor' in this house.
well, i feel off.
if your reading this, you don't know what happened.
maybe it'll help me to let go.
well, ok.
last year around august,
[august 20th]
i got with kamron.
kamron led to sex drugs and rock N' roll.
i hadn't as much as kissed anyone else, basically before him.
i wanted to be out of the house, and i loved the independence.
i also grew a spine.
sleeping on park benches makes you think things over.
i told CPS about my dad, and then my mom had a breakdown.
she couldn't deal with out my dad.
so i told CPS i lied.
well i was out all weekend, and so on, i'd go home and they would leave me alone, almost isolation.
me and my mom fight every time we talk.
finally i can't take it anymore, and i run away.
for 5 days.
gone.
i was here, At admas house. kamron stayed with me, but this boy, adam caught my eye- he was nice to me. something kamron wasn't unless he wanted to bone.
i tell him everything, i tell him about stars and love and family, pain, love. he tells me the same, but im with kamron, and kamron is his 'brother'....
and i had to go home.
i go home and they scream at me.
no warm reception.
no, are you ok?
just...
YOUFUCKEDUP.
thats all i ever got.
why do they think i left!?!??!
eventually, October 20-something rolls around, and kamron breaks up with me.
i cried all of 5th period,
and made a bee-line for adam during passing period. he just held out his arms, and i just clung. i was heart broken.
kamron had been such a bad idea, he would build me up ony to break me down over and over and over... it was horrible.
i got with adam quickly after, on Halloween.
then. march 12 me and my mom got in another fight. a big one. i dont remember our fights, i forget them after about 10 minutes.
thats how bad it is,. i have to mentally block them to be sane.
what the FUCK...
march 18th adam proposed.
made me so happy.
<3

my parents weren;t ready to have a kid and they did.
they still are children. im always the adult!
i know i cant go back to that house.
do you know how many times his hands have been around my throat?
how many times he made me hate myself?
i still hate myself.
im hideous, im a bitch, and i'm way too emtional.
i hate myself.
he did that to me.
....
and she didn't stop him.
then why do i miss them?
what makes them good enough to miss?
what makes them worth my tears, my pain?
what makes them so worthy?
they boned without a condom?
oh JOY.
[godthatsdisgusting]

i dont know how to just let go of all this.
all this pain.
i dont know,
im so lost,
im so lonely.
i have no one to cry to.
i have T.
i love my T.

but their not worth my time.



i hate christmas.




Fuck christmas.

This is mi madre and i.

all this.

I'm rather sad.
I've been getting sad around this time for years now.
i hate that my family will have an all out war, and around Christmas just forget about it for a day-
fake?
but a the same time i love it.
i just hate this.
people as much as mention Christmas, i get so sad.
we got our Christmas trees today.
they got me a charlie brown one, so it'll be like home..
but...
i dunno.
im so happy with my little tree, but at the same time it makes me sad.
i want my mommy i want my daddy,
but i can't let him know that anymore,
i dont want to push him away.
i can't push him away,
i need him.
he hates when i get like this, because he can't fix it.
i just...
i dont know what to do with all this pain.
all this emotion.

it'll be you and me, up in the trees...

this is my boy.
his name is adam, and i love him.
he's completely retarded.
today , he's shown me alot.
he's given me strength.
how?
i talked to my mom, and i just broke down.
he got mad-
he does every time.
and finally, i asked why.
"Because everytime you talk to her you get your heart broken!"
and it made me see,
he was so protective of me.
he holds my hand when im scared,
he holds me close when im sad,
he saves me from my night mares,
he's my best friend.
yes, i bitch about him.
but every relationship has bumps.
if you don't your not communicating.
or your like Amish.




for a long time i've felt that for someone to love me,
i have to look my best.
i have to do 'sexual' things to be what they want.
i think he's catching on,
because lately..
we cuddle and talk.
theres nothing more,
and i like it.
i like going to sleep and just..
knowing he loves me no matter what.
i knew it before.
but oddly i feel its amplified.
i think i just went up another rung in the 'relationship latter'
with him.

you know what?

i'm going to marry this boy.
he's so amazing.
i know i sound like some little school girl with some crush,
but we've been through so much.
death, life, hard times, good times, family, fights, love, hate....
and in the end i know we can make it.

"I awaken armegeddon, and feed apon a thousand souls"

trying to calm down, angry angry angry.

im such an angry person, for real.
i hate this!
DHL, FEDEX, AND IPOD NEED BETTER INSTRUCTIONS!

JESUS
FUCKING
CHRIST.

listening to things that calm me down, but all im doing is wanting angry music.
sweet, nine inch nails...
i hate my anger so much, i really do. its almost ridiculous how angry i get. i get slightly angry, and every time it just blossoms into this viscous thing. i almost killed kira's dog today, i really, truely did . god im so angry, i want to hurt some one, i want to hurt myself. im calling hound...
annnnnd she can't fucking talk.
i really like cussed the DHL guy out on accident. i apologized, and he was like.. OK...

BTW:
Dethklok.
listen to it.

Awesome

What the hell.

for real?

he argues with me for EVERY little thing.

no matter how minute!

i hate it!

we had our weight maximums already wtitten on a paper, and he had to get started, but he decided he needed to write them again, and i said to just get started, and he looked at me, and kept writing.

and he keeps making atheist jokes.

i FUCKING hate those jokes.

im ok with them-

if their not told 5 times over and over.

for real?

i understand dane cook is funny.

but really?

sonofabitch.

but now, really? we decided to have a good day. we WILL have a good day. why?i'm tired of crying,im tired of this anger. im tired of being overly emotional.

im sick and tired of being sick and tired.

im tired of being sad about christmas.

this is a happy time of year.

not for me.

my first time away from my parents.

and i know if im mopey on that day, i'll get in trouble.

but...

i don't know if i'll be able to help it.

i just...

i dont know.

im hungry, cramping, irritated, sleep-deprived and now dredding christmas.

awesome.

feeling off once again.
dunno.
im at school, im so glad this web site isn't blocked.
senior year,
dear god.
im almost going into the real world.
the REAL world.
a JOB.
college.
at least i have adam by my side, right?
....
shit, i really want to go home.
badly.
my stomach kept me up all night.
i threw up in the middle of the night.
shit sucks.
anyways.
im going to theatre now..
fantastic.

The Child with Old Eyes

The small girl with her curly blonde hair was balled up under her bed. Her teenage brothers deep voice boomed through the house as he scolded his mother and sister. He was the man of the house. The father of the three children had died a year ago, when he Over dosed on meth.


The muffled voice couldn't be understood from under the eight year olds bed, the pink skirt like a fortress, protecting her from the cold cruel world the lurked beyond the thin fabric.

Soon the voices ceased- Obviously the drugs had kicked in. The girl rolled out from her pink fortress with no hesitation, knowing what she had to do perfectly, routinely. She opened her door which read "Ana" in pink Calligraphy, then closed it quietly. outside her room tables were over turned, glasses broken, needles on the run down beige carpet and mirrors and razorblades set carelessly on the beaten side tables. The finishing touch to the redecorating was her three heavily sedated family members laying around the house. She heard a burly voice say.
"Anastazia.....Your Hair!"
Her brothers hand reached up and tugged on one of her delicate curls, and let it bounce back into place.

His eyes were blood shot, his hands shaky, and his generally slicked back blond hair was hanging in his face. his neat demeanor had been wiped away by a high he craved in every sober moment. His white sleeve was rolled up, little needle marks in the bend on his elbow.

Anastazia, because she was distracted, stepped on his used needle. she quickly shook it off, and picked it up. she started to pick things up slowly. She didn't move quickly because it was dark-late. Almost 2 AM now. she looked at the couch with her mother and sister on it. Janice and Meri. Mer i with curly blonde hair to match Anastazia's, and Janice the mother of the blondes, with limp black hair that was thin and dead. Both females were scrawny, Bags of bones, their minds destroyed my drugs and abuse, their bodies ravaged by the same. Both had a crusting around their nose, black rings around their weary eyes, and almost a deathly look to them.

Anastazia cleaned up the house and was done by 4 AM. she helped all three into their beds- she knew they wouldn't wake in time to take her to school- or to see she didn't go. The young girl closed her door, and locked it. she climbed under her comforter-The pink barbie family on it smiled so wide, anastazia was sure every time she saw it that they were on some type of drug. She closed her tired eyes, eyes that had seen so much, handled so much that they couldn't possibly be an 8-year-olds- they seemed to be of a fretful old women. She didn't ever get to go play, she never went to school. She read from her text books when she wasn't cooking, cleaning, or baby sitting- the child inside her had died long ago.

Anastazia;s mother didn't have to work, because she got a check for $3,ooo a month for being a widow- And yet, they had barely any food. it was either spent on drugs or on clothes for meri and Janice- sometime her older brother scott.

Anastazia woke up to a silent house. she slipped out of her bed, her pink night gown twisted around her. She had dreamt of daddy again , which was bitter sweet. She wiped her her big cheeks of tears- she hadn't quite grown into them yet. She walked out of her room into the house. Ever since daddy had died, the house felt dead. Anastazia didn't know why, or what made it feel like this. maybe it was her brothers explosive anger. Maybe it was her sisters decaying body, she was so sickly. What ever killed the house was killing everyone else inside it too- And that scared Anastazia.

The small girl went to the refrigerator to see if they had any food. Curdled milk, which Anastazia threw away, and a bottle of ketchup. She sighed, and looked under the sink. A pie tin was taped to the bottom, and she carefully loosened it. There were 2 nickels and a used needle inside. Not nearly enough for food. She sighed lightly and simply went back to sleep, hoping to sleep away the hunger.

This happened every night. every night Scott would Howl and Scream, Hit and throw, His anger lashing out at anything and everything. Every night they would all shoot up, or snort away all the sorrow and aggression, and every night Anastazia would whisper through the house, putting it back together to only be ripped apart again the next night- with no anger or hate, simply love for those who she picked up. She would look for food- and if there wasn't any, she would simply go to sleep, to be awaken by the muffled yells from the angry being that was Scott.

"Why is there never any god damned food in this Hell Hole?"

Woke Anastazia from her light slumber. Scott had awoken early, it was only 3 PM- and he was furious.

She stood and loekd at her door. Should she go take care of it? No one else would. So, the ever-so-brave eight year old silently went out her door, to find scot shooting up already. Janice and Meri were peeking out their doors like children, acting more childish then the actual child. She looked at Scott, then at the fridge.
"We could go buy food."

By then Scott's eyes had drooped. This ment the other females could come out and play- and they seemed almost giddy. Scott had started the festivities early. Soon they had a mirror and a razor, a thin straw at their nose's in less then 10 minutes. They snorted the day away, and more just kept coming. More powder, more snorting, more giggling. Meri's giggles went from happy to nervous, her eyes getting wider and wider. She started to convulse and shake- her eyes drooping and closing.

Anastazia scurried into her room, not knowing what this was. She thought it was just another bad trip. They happened every now and then. She fell asleep, waiting for this bad dream to come to an end- and yet it never did.

Anastazia started to drift and woke to sirens and Scott yelling out random obscenities. She peeked her head out to see two stretchers with two bodies, heads covered in the white sheet. They were bather in the red swirling lights from the ambulance- The windows were wide open, the neighborhood looking into their small home. The lights swirled, Scott yelled, The paramedics walkee Talkee's spoke of death, and now the house wasn't dead, but decaying. bugs munched at its flesh, and its brittle bones were cracking under the pressure of the event. Anastazia felt her head spinning and fell to the floor of her bedroom, passed out, head swimming, ears buzzing with,
"We have a 5150 in the LZ district..."
and Scotts hoarse voice chanting..
"No...No...No..."

When anastazia woke up, Scott was sitting in her room, staring at her. his eyes hollow, his voice weak, but his body language seemed strong- fake.
"So i guess its only you and me now, kid."
"You and me..."
She echoed, just as hollow as the man before her. her eyes were larege and watery.

Scot sighed and looked at his arm. The scared tissue made his addiction obvious. He got up and looked at the child. His eyes were sad, angry- confused? Maybe even regretful. He left the room, And if the girl had known she'd never seen him again, then maybe she would have said good bye.

Anastazia stood and looked in her mirror. He frail hungry body screamed sickly. She looked like her sister, her rotting sister.

"They're dead."

Her voice distant even to her own ears as she tried to convince herself of the obvious.

"They're Dead.
They're DEAD!"

She started to scream. She watched herself, she watched her emotion as she screamed to nothing. The house was silent as she ceased her speaking. She turned away from the mirror, no longer wishing to see the girl who was a whisper away from death. She walked out her door to see her brother body do limp, the noose around his neck doing its job. The draft from the open window made his body sway lightly in the wind, and for the firs time in a long time, he looked happy.

Anastazia closed her eyes and walked past, hands out so she wouldn't hurt herself. She stubbed her toe on another used needle, and she looked down. A large rubber band and many needles ready of heroine. Fury filled her small body, unadulterated fury, animosity, rage, and almost hellfire. What was so appealing, what made it worth their lives?! without thinking, she tied the rubber band around her small arm as she had seen Scott do it oh so many time. She looked at the crusty, bent needle, full of the thing that had killed her father, mother, sister, brother... Drugs, heroine, cocaine,- its all the same. The liquid taunted her,

"I'm better then you!"

It cried in her mind. She thrust it into her skin, and felt the pinch of her skin allowing the foreign object in. she felt the liquid flood her innocent veins, tainting them. She smiled and sat, watching her brothers body pleasantly sway in the wind.

Pictures from my mind

Handlebars

i Hate to follow trends, i really do. I always feel like sheep to the slaughter if i do. i had my moments when i was a preteen. Tripp Pants, Good Charlotte, Ties over tee-shirts, Eye-liner tears.
Now that i've taken a step back from all that, so i can see the whole process in full, i see nothing but society slowly rotting away at the followers minds.
They don't think for themselves, they do as their favorite artists do.
Honestly, i don;t even know many new artist's names.
I listen to the beatles, i listen to Nine inch nails. i listen to Run DMC. Prince.
i have a few newer bands, but their surely not on MTV.
[wheres the music on MTV?]
But what am i trying to get at?
There was a recent new song.
it was every where, and i had never heard it. i stumble apon it one day,
and by god its amazing.
i hated myself for listening to it, but it made me feel empowered, it made me want to go out and change the world.
'Handlebars' by the flobots.
yes, the very song.
it makes me feel like i can do anything.
everything.
i can take on the world, and the only thing stopping me is me.
why?
i don't believe in myself, and i never have?
why?
i have always been told by my elders i can't.
My bipolar held me back.
My depression held me back.
lately i've felt as if im one of those poor 'ADHD' children that the mothers just wanted to keep calm so they drugged them up.
who Sedates a child?
That bountiless energy..
it has to be let out so that they may see the world!
[small rant...]
but what im saying is that i believe im not bipolar.
simply for the resason that it went away after i moved out of my parents.
recently i've been researching "Munchausen's Syndrom by proxy"
and the information just hits me in the face.
it all sounded familiar.
i felt almost reminded, not informed.
what scared me is that it is a form of child abuse.
now, i knew i was abused, in many forms of the word.
But it hurts to hear someone else[or something...]
say it.

Amazing, Already?

So i had planned on coming onto this website and being positive, writing out my beliefs, my theories, and my dreams, but lets face it:
I'm a teenage girl.
A teenage girl with boy problems, yet again.
I don;t know if this is unusual to people or not, but i'm engaged.
i live with him and all that jazz.
well, somethings been bothering me, and its been going on for over a year now.
here's a bit of background info:
The other day i was in gym class, in the weight room. There's only 7 girls, so we have to step up a bit to keep up. i was randomly puttimh weights on a machine, more to get them off the floor then anything, and the guys in the room started in.
"Oh, she can't do it."
"she can't lift shit!"
So i of course hope on the machine, and grip the bar. i unhook it, and it just drops, my shoulders taking all the weight. some new guy in class and dashed behind me, and he grabbed it before it got me.
now mind, my fiance just watched.
but he pushed me out of the way, and got it up.

And so, my shoulders have been hurting like a bitch.
a pmsing bitch.
i tell my boy, and he just gets angry with me. i had just taken medication for it, and he didnt really care.
I dont like to tell him when im upset, cause he gets mad.
says i over react, which is probably true, but its not his job to bitch at me for crying.
[i have severe depression, dick head]
he's supposed to comfort me and he doesn't.
i have to TELL him too.
he's my everything...
and he's good to me,
he is.
He's my best friend.
[i feel like he lies to me]

him?
he's over there laughing his ass off,
fine.
im over here,
wanting to go swallow a handful of meds.
but hey,
im just over reacting, right?