Just one more pretty please.

He lied to me.
in his oh so depressed apology.. he lied to my face again.
will he ever....not?
he cheated on me.
he cheated.
cheated.
such a harsh word.
all those jokes...
and now... now its not a joke. he did.
i can't even cry.
i can't.
i've pushed so many emotions back to try and keep the edge on the little sanity.
i'm on this cliff, and the only thing holding me up is adam,
on a thick rope-
that has a giant gash in it.
i can see the threads one by one popping.
lie POP lie POP,
i sleep farther and farther,
then i will fall.

I gave it all up for him. i gave everything.
i gave my fmaily i gave it all i gave it all and he does this?
i gave him everything?
[fullfill my promise]
made one.
to myself.
heh.
anyways.
everything.
everything.
where did you go? once the lights turned black...
i can't... i can't...
it hurts,
it all hurts,
everything is dead dead,
he promised he promised.
he'd protect me.
its like being in a safe haven with a ravenous bear.
not so safe.
i... i'm cracking.
i literally cannot deal with this,
my mentality is crumbling.
snap goes the strings.
i want to bleed, i want to burn, i want to live, i want to die, i want to dissappear make everyones life somuch easier i want him to see my pain and not say its over this will be on my shoulders for so long,cheated cheated cheated. i want to cry. i want to cry. i want to cry. i want my mommy i want my daddy i want my flower to see what he has done he ripped me down and i can feel those cold metal walls around me again the ones that wont let anyone in the ones that let my emotions ping of the inside of my skull over and over and over because only i need to know that no one else needs to know nope nope nope. i guess i knew this all along. he says it was too good to be true- look at me! it WAS to good to be true. there WAS a catch. there was. yet i try to console him. does that make me weak, or extremely strong? stupid?
oh i know, in love.
this ring feels so heavy,
he lied to my face.
he lied he lied he lied.
how do you make that trust again?
thats not something you can forget.
i hate myself, i could never hate him. i hate me. i hate me.
am i not enough?
not pretty enough?
not loving enough?
i mean he could wake me up or ask me anytime and we'd fuck like silly. i'd do anything for him, anything. maybe he doesn't want me anymore.
i know i don't want me anymore.
maybe the feeling is mutual.
HE LIED TO ME ABOUT THE STUPIDEST THING!
lookingup gay porn. he was bored and found it interesting, not arousing.
and he lied about that?
I WATCH GOATS FUCK BECAUSE I THINK ITS INTERESTING!
i GET it.
he KNOWS THAT.
i hate myself.
he thinks he can't trust me with anything, obviously.
i don't know.
i van think of one thing i've never told him.
and its not really a need-to-know thing.
BUT-
if i find yu cheating on me, and i ASK did you look at this?
AND YOU SAY NO YOU SNIVELING LITTLE ROTTEN PEICE OF DECAYING FLESH,
then it is bad.
and i hate this.
i never thought..
i never thought...
i just want to go to sleep,
but if i lay i won't be able...
i'll think... i'll die more-
yes i am quiet dead...
alot of me died recently.
died- defeated-same thing.
i feel like i have to be supergirl all the time.
they dont want me talking yo anyone.
not baout this.
then who?
who?!
no one, dead diary...
no one.

can't apologize.

I’m a monster. I really am. Look at what I did to my parents simply because I had some teenage angst, I fucked it all up and this is my fault. Look at how nice they are to me now…. I fucked up. This is my fault. I don’t deserve to breath. I don’t deserve to have a heart that beats. I’m so sorry, but I can’t say it. Saying sorry to some one brings them all that pain all over again. They remember. I can’t do that not again. I just want to disappear. I want to die. I hate myself; I hate what I’ve done. I deserve to be locked up and thrown away. I deserve this pain. I deserve these damn tears. I deserve this pain. This is mine to hold, for what I’ve done. I broke her. I broke him. I don’t want that. I want a stable relationship. I don’t have any anger left in me for them. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I don’t deserve any type of joy. I’m just useless….

i need to shut up.

i don't know.
i feel like i put more into this then he does.
i look at his myspace and he has more pictures of his ex'es then me!
he has a kissey picture with one, and not ME.
a cuddly one...
not with me.
he has one where im drunker then fuck,
and a family one.
i have so many... its like all those hoes who are on his nuts see his myspace and theres nothing of me on it.
and i just want to cry.



i;m just being female.
i'll shut up.

its been hard.
really, really hard..

unfair.

beast died.

hide and seek.

I’m worried about my boy. He’s getting so angry when his dads brought up… and he won’t talk to anyone about it. He kinda does… but not much. He’s so upset today. I want to cry on his shoulder, and tell him how sad I am, but he’s already got a lot on his plate. So i'm just hiding away my emotions because he’s already upset….

1 year….by the way…

I'm so tired of remembering.

I haven’t been here in a while.
I’ve been really lost lately.
My moms on my mind.
I don’t remember how she sounds when she laughs.
But by god do I remember her cries, her screams… they won’t go away.
I hear them everyday.
And I keep having these dreams….I’m alone and its dark, and I can see my breath. I’m freezing. I say, “I’m so tired of being alone” and I feel arms around me, and I know its Adam- then I say, you came back! And he says he never left… and then I start in on some speech. I don’t know what I’m saying, I don’t understand the words. Then I say, “I’m so tired of remembering…”
And then i wake up.

i ask him if i talk, and he says yes. i don't ask him what i say, i don't want to know... nope nope nope...
i keep having these random like visions of my mom dying horribly. its pretty scary, and i make myself cry.

and people just pissed me off. they get at my picture without me knowing. They destroy it, this thing i photoshopped, without having me there to tell them what it means.


people are small minded and stupid.