hide and seek.

I’m worried about my boy. He’s getting so angry when his dads brought up… and he won’t talk to anyone about it. He kinda does… but not much. He’s so upset today. I want to cry on his shoulder, and tell him how sad I am, but he’s already got a lot on his plate. So i'm just hiding away my emotions because he’s already upset….

1 year….by the way…

I'm so tired of remembering.

I haven’t been here in a while.
I’ve been really lost lately.
My moms on my mind.
I don’t remember how she sounds when she laughs.
But by god do I remember her cries, her screams… they won’t go away.
I hear them everyday.
And I keep having these dreams….I’m alone and its dark, and I can see my breath. I’m freezing. I say, “I’m so tired of being alone” and I feel arms around me, and I know its Adam- then I say, you came back! And he says he never left… and then I start in on some speech. I don’t know what I’m saying, I don’t understand the words. Then I say, “I’m so tired of remembering…”
And then i wake up.

i ask him if i talk, and he says yes. i don't ask him what i say, i don't want to know... nope nope nope...
i keep having these random like visions of my mom dying horribly. its pretty scary, and i make myself cry.

and people just pissed me off. they get at my picture without me knowing. They destroy it, this thing i photoshopped, without having me there to tell them what it means.


people are small minded and stupid.

ziggy played guitar.

its hard, this depression thing.
i get sad, he gets mad,
i beg, he yells...





shoot me.

joyous insomnia.

made up.
woooo....
don't care,
no sleep.
so many days.
im so tired,
i want to curl into a ball and just crash.
and this class?
bullshit.
i hate VE....
hatehatehate..

i didn't do anything.

i know exactly how he works, and this whole situation sucks.
its like living with my dad all over again.
he's such an angry person...
he's gonna snap.
i don't know if he'd hit me,
what if he takes it out on Adam?
Hana?
Kira?
no, he wouldn't.
its like... he just treats ME like shit.
he was like my brother.
but if he can drop me that fast.
that quick,
like it ain't shit.
like I'm not worth it, not worth his time.
after all the shit I've done.
I'm just sad.
i didn't do anything.
chelsea has so much going on right now,
and she doesn't need extra pain.
she doesn't at all..
and i hurt for me.
i hurt for her,
i hurt for him,
and i hate caring.
tired of caring.
caring is killing me.
but you know who has been amazing during all this?
Adam has taken care of me to an extent I've never seen.
he stops everything when he see's me sad,
he's starting to understand.
he asks whats wrong,
and i say i don't know anymore...
and he just....holds me.

If i ever leave this world alive...

he couldn;t even hand the phone to me.
considered him a brother.
what am i to him?
nothing, apparently.

this is another reason to stop, another reason to get clean.
look at him, he's pathetic. he's tearing all those around him down so he can raise himself on the rubble that is his former friends, lover, family... he raises up momentarily until they landslide away from him. all because he's trying to get clean again.

ok, recap.

He broke up with me, i get with my lovely, and i go to my hound's moms house. i spend time with her, and she knows im upset. i spill to her about him. tell her who he is front and back, the good, the bad, the habits. like a year later, he gets with hound- who had a promise with her mom- no sex. he knows, and very excitedly says over and over, i can deal with that. hound makes me promise to help her keep that promise. i love the bitch, so i agree. [bitch-<3]

now, kamron lives with me and is like a brother, until like an hour ago when i find out apparently he can't trust me and he can't talk to me, he can't even look me in the eye. he thinks i betrayed him, when i was just a sad little girl talking about those whom hurt me. and now im a strong women whom is being strong for her best friend- who would bend over backwards to make him happy, but im standing behind her with a giant sign that says 'SPINE'.

yes, i'm being the cock block. why? she promised, and i'm enforcing because I promised. gave my word. now i look at kamron, and he's told her he'll get clean, and he's taking it out on everyone- and its getting old. real, real old. and by taking it out on people i mean me, and chelsea. because when she's not around he snaps at me, and when she's around i get t watch.
lucky, huh? why do i have to suffer for THEIR relationship? he doesn't get it. he wants sex so badly he's blind- so blind. if he purely loved her ...
its just sex. its JUST sex.

yes, i like sex. but if adam decided he didn't want it anymore, i would accept that, for i love him. im in love with him, and sex is but a physical thing. it is NOTHING. and i could stop, if i had to. if i knew it was hurting my loved one- any day. any day. i'm so angry that i'm happy.
i promised matt that i wouldn't do anything. no matter how much i want to scream at him.
scream, scream SCREAM.
he's like a brother to me. but he does this, and sadly...i don't find it hard to just shrug it off. like... another kamron thing. its to be expected. thats sad. it may be the lack of weed...alcohol...whatever. but if that does this to you.. then thats just sad, and i'm glad to be clean. i don't need this in my life- and i don't want to do that to my friends. no to anyone. T, this time i mean it. i do. i don't want to be a kamron.
"if i ever leave this world alive"
Flogging molly

AllYe AllYe Come home free.

angry.
no reason.
just....angry.
a deep anger.
its been here a while.
hiding from me- allowing me to be happy?
maybe i was ignoring it.
maybe i was hiding from it.
got me.

tag, your it.