I can't fake it, take it.

So, called my mom. Needed my social Security number.
she begged me to come home. begged.
offered me so many things.
said she completely changed herself.
i don't want your material things.
i don't want those things.
i want my mom.
but i can't.
i can't.
Thats all i could say.
i wanted to hint that if she tried...
she could come get me.
she could actually just...take me home.
i wanted to say, "Ok!"
but...
i've grown so accustomed to living with my adam.
i couldn't...not live with him.
i get so much comfort out of just sleeping next to him.
so much out of simple things.


She begged,
she said she had nothing.
nothing.
and i just...
i couldn't take it.
i couldn't.



she offered so many things,
but all i coukld think about was spending time.
happy times.
not...
stand-outside-and-just-talk-a-little-bit time.

she said that they've never done anything bad.


so daddy's hands have never been around my throat?
he's never hit me so hard in the stomach it ached for hours?
he had to hold the second punch.
he wanted to hit me more.
he wanted to hurt me so badly.
i said mitosis, daddy.
thats all i said...
and you almost took advantage of that, oh old-best friend.
how i hate you. so much.
how i cried over you.
so hard, so hard.

i want a drink.
i want to be happy.
i want to be done with this.
i want to sleep.
i want to just...
disappear.

Useless.

this is hard.
I'm tired of bringing people down,
tired of being the low note in peoples day.
my depression is holding be back and i hate it.
all i do is get sad and mope around.
I'm tired of being such a dark cloud.
I'm tired of being a shell of Devon.
I'm not me.
I'm fighting my depression, and its making me painfully aware of it at work.
painful, painful.

i keep thinking of those long nights, alone in my haven. my room.
i could be in there all i wanted.
i could sleep. sometimes.
this house...its starting to get like my parents.
i dread going home again.
i miss being happy to go home.
i miss it.
long for it.
i haven't had that in so long,
years.
i can remember walking home, and as i rounded a corner, dreading to see red.
red truck,
bad day.
white box,
its all good.
now i dread green.
because all i can do is fuck up,
all i can do is screw myself over,
because I'm just fucking stupid.
i always fuck up,
i can't do anything right,
i can't deal with this,
i can't do this anymore,
i hate myself.

that's all i can do.
it makes the adults in my life happy to get mad at me,
so i might as well get mad at me.
i can't fight it anymore.
but i have to.
i have to be happy for him.
for his family.
because that's all i can do,
i don't want to push him away.
i need him.
i can't go through life without him.
he's my everything.
i can't....





I'm Useless.

"Hi."

My friend Thomas says,
"Hi."

it was cold, and it rained,I felt like an actor.

So, it’s 80’s day.
I got my punk rock on.
Already got put down.
By my first period teacher.
Awesome, eh?
I’m hella tired…
Didn’t sleep again.

I think too much.

I wrote this a while ago.

i was having an over all just....break down.

I can feel my brain pulsing. I can feel acid sizzling away at my sanity. I can feel my bones as they move. I’ve forgotten what sanity
really is. Do we even know as humans? Am I sane? Maybe I am the sane one, and you are not. Maybe I am the one who see’ clearly and you have
he shroud... I see clearly amongst the fog of civilization. I can see through your eyes, I can see the electricity zing from brain cell to
brain cell. I feel as if i have discovered some kind of Eden in my mind, a place of true existence. True knowledge. Maybe I am the sane one
after all. I see that the keys hit the desk which hits the ground which hits the world which cause a quake which kills a person...
how many people have to die at my expense? How many people must die because I must write out my woes and sorrows? I feel their pain, and it
Hurts my soul. My soul is ripped and torn, shattered and broken. Tattered. I hurt. I'm not crazy; I know i’m not. I don’t know if these are my
words or those of some raving lunatic. I hurt inside. My chest. I’m floating. I don’t know if im loosing touches with reality, or if i’m just...
Loosing touch. I want to see a doctor, but she won’t let me, no no no. I want to see a docter, but I don’t want to take their pills
. My mama would take me, my mama would drug me, and my mama is a dirty whore. A dirty whore who doesn’t try. I want to use her intestines for
jump rope. I want to take my daddy’s head and put it on a pike. I want so many things, I want candy. Delicious candy that melts in your mouth,
Tastes like baby. Dead baby. What is death? Does anyone know, or am I just alone? Death you leave. You just leave. No god, no Jesus.
I can’t tell anyone why don’t believe, no one GETS me. Know one will know. They forced him onto me. It was religion rape, I hurt inside.

Just Let me Burn.

I don;t know anymore.

i don't think anyone reads this anymore,

unless i make T.

or she remembers.

[i'm just an ass for not posting on myspace]

but i need a place where no one can see it. no one.

'cept t.

[ gotta love t]

She's amazing.

shes like a cozy little island in the middle of a raging storm.

cause thats how i feel.

like i have her.

only her.

why?

they took my flower.

they took him away,

its so hard,

knowing you simpply can't have them.

they're right there.

and you can't touch.

i walk with my eyes lowered, by voice quiet. i don't misstep, because apparently if i slightly mess up, i get it. bad bad bad. no communication.

no nothin.

no flower.

no phone.

no communication.

isolation.

i almost hurt myself yesterday.

i almost killed myself.

because i know.

they do it once, they'll do it again and again.

she will.

i know it.

i thought...

i thought i had gotten away from it all.

i thought i had left my dad.

but when she was yellign at me yesterday,

i heard my dad.

i heard him.

i expected to feel his hands around my neck.

his fist on my stomach, his hand slapping my face.

no.

nothing.

but she is so unfair,so cruel.

i was so alone,

so alone and my only friend was this knife.

this knofe on my wrists.

this knife on my throat.

its so hard.

i need him.

i do.

i know i sound like some sobbing like some stupid sobbing female who needs to get over it,

but i...

my depression is so severe right now.

it was suicide watch severe before any of this happened.

god,

im so lost.

Am i lost in your eyes?