Useless.

this is hard.
I'm tired of bringing people down,
tired of being the low note in peoples day.
my depression is holding be back and i hate it.
all i do is get sad and mope around.
I'm tired of being such a dark cloud.
I'm tired of being a shell of Devon.
I'm not me.
I'm fighting my depression, and its making me painfully aware of it at work.
painful, painful.

i keep thinking of those long nights, alone in my haven. my room.
i could be in there all i wanted.
i could sleep. sometimes.
this house...its starting to get like my parents.
i dread going home again.
i miss being happy to go home.
i miss it.
long for it.
i haven't had that in so long,
years.
i can remember walking home, and as i rounded a corner, dreading to see red.
red truck,
bad day.
white box,
its all good.
now i dread green.
because all i can do is fuck up,
all i can do is screw myself over,
because I'm just fucking stupid.
i always fuck up,
i can't do anything right,
i can't deal with this,
i can't do this anymore,
i hate myself.

that's all i can do.
it makes the adults in my life happy to get mad at me,
so i might as well get mad at me.
i can't fight it anymore.
but i have to.
i have to be happy for him.
for his family.
because that's all i can do,
i don't want to push him away.
i need him.
i can't go through life without him.
he's my everything.
i can't....





I'm Useless.