It's ok, It's ok....

I’ve lived.
I’ve cried.
I’ve laughed,
But yesterday I straight up died.
Here’s some history:
In the forth grade I had a good friend.
His name was Cody.
Well, last year I met up with him again.
The same day, before I saw him, these two guys gave me like 3 malts.
I didn’t know It was alcohol.
I downed them [my first time drinking in a long, long time].
So I was kinda drunk.

But ok, so I meet him, and we end up walking to his house, and just talking. I fell asleep, and when I woke up, he said to me:
Guess what I did to you last night.
Its exactly what your thinking.
I left at like 6 am, and went and curled up on my best friends bed, across town.

So, yesterday I was at the mall with Adam, and his brother matt.
They went ahead as I looked at headphones to another store.
I was walking to meet them,
And I hear behind me,
“Glad to see you not clinging to someone for once.”
He was referring that whenever I go to the mall, I’m linked arms with whomever I’m with. I told him to go away. Told him go away, I’m engaged, go away.”
He said that it didn’t matter. That me being engaged didn’t matter. That we should go somewhere private.


I told adam.
He got so mad, so mad.
Then he went to me, I was a shaking mess, and he just held me, telling me it was ok, it was ok…

So i Had this dream.

And it went kinda like this:
My mom and i, and like everyone i've ever known- celebrating the new year.
we were at a random hotel,
and i was sitting next to my mom, And out of no where, i asked...
"Do you wanna go swimming with me?"
she just loko9ed ta me- "i don;'t have my swim suit." she said super sad.
i was like.." But i have mine."
she jumped up, "I'll go buy one!"
and i knew she was going to go buy a "Bottle nosed swim suit" what ever that is.
and i thought in my dream, wow she would do anything for me to be happy right now.
and she came back, but i saw her drink alcohol.
my mom used to be an alcoholic.
she quit, but started smoking pot.
now she's clean,and im so proud-
but making me happy in my dream drove her to drinking.


thats it.


im gonna go fold origami cranes for some cancer patient.

so,
second blog,
and im just pissed.
new years.
can't get drunk.
well,
we do have a bit of malibu.
......
i'll chug it when hounds little sister is gone.
or away..
then were gonna smoke a bowl later.


still mad.

the things these people do to calm me down./...

No more, No less.

new years.
a resolution?
thinkthinkthink.....
i want to say something about my parents.
but i want to say something about my friends.
or about family?
maybe self gain?
so i've decided.



My new years resolution is:
To Care less.



yup, thats it.
cause if i care less, i wont care about my parents. i wont care about my friends, i wont care about the family, i wont care about myself.




no
more
caring.

Meet my hana.

So, i feel like you people should know about the person i hang out with most of the time.
She is, to be quite honest, a raging bitch.
she's very truthful,
she's an excellent artist.
she's my sister, and theres no question about it.
i love her more then anyone.
[sorry flower!]
she has my other ipod headphone,
coloring as i type this.
i cry to her all the time.
she listens,
and is amazing.


Her name is Hana,
and she is 8.



this is hana.
[THE HANANATOR]

its kind of odd for me, having a younger sibling. its never occurred to me before what it felt like to. its silly, but i've actually found myself getting proud of hana for the littlest things- she amazes me every day. she's so mature for her age. she's as mature as i am, and yet she is still an 8 year old at heart. i've seen her grow from a little kid to a young women so quickly. it made me sad at first, to see that she;s letting her childhood go so quickly...but she still is a child, and she's enjoying it so much. i love going to the school and seeing her play with the other kids, it shows mw she is still a child....
and yeah, this is hana, and she is amazing.

Cause i miss you, baby.

i'm only posting because i know i have GOT to have shit on my head.
just dont know what it is.
saw my parents today.
both.
first time i've seen my dad since he kicked me out.
hot damn.
it was my own little christmas miracle.
oh JOY.
fucking JOY, and HAPPINESS, AND RAINBOWS.
fuck, im full with such anger.
i havent been angry like this for a while.




lovely..
just...
ugh.













i don;t know how to feel about all this.
i want to be happy,
but i dont want to fake it.

i need help,
im so lost.
i feel like a little kid lost in a big old store, lost, but excited.
being alone in the store,
but at the same time wanting mommys hand.....



i dont know i dont know i dont know!
i just gotta...shove it all inside.
hide it.
because i cant put this on them.
i cant put it on him.

My brain hurts alot [Thats all we've got]

this is mi padre.

missing my mom.
really, really badly.
its December 23rd,
lovely date, eh?
god i've never dreaded christmas.
everymorning i wake up and the first thing i want to do is cry.
but i can't let this drag me down.
i can't let this ruin my holiday.
i can't let this take away from my relationship.
i can't push him away, i've been stuck in this one spot for too long.
im not angry at them anymore.
i just want..
i just want to talk to them. see them.
i miss them.
i want to cry,
but i don't want them to know im upset.
i cant cry to anyone.
im tired of being the one who brings people down.
should i have let go already?
they are my parents...
were?
are?
my moms the 'egg donor' in this house.
well, i feel off.
if your reading this, you don't know what happened.
maybe it'll help me to let go.
well, ok.
last year around august,
[august 20th]
i got with kamron.
kamron led to sex drugs and rock N' roll.
i hadn't as much as kissed anyone else, basically before him.
i wanted to be out of the house, and i loved the independence.
i also grew a spine.
sleeping on park benches makes you think things over.
i told CPS about my dad, and then my mom had a breakdown.
she couldn't deal with out my dad.
so i told CPS i lied.
well i was out all weekend, and so on, i'd go home and they would leave me alone, almost isolation.
me and my mom fight every time we talk.
finally i can't take it anymore, and i run away.
for 5 days.
gone.
i was here, At admas house. kamron stayed with me, but this boy, adam caught my eye- he was nice to me. something kamron wasn't unless he wanted to bone.
i tell him everything, i tell him about stars and love and family, pain, love. he tells me the same, but im with kamron, and kamron is his 'brother'....
and i had to go home.
i go home and they scream at me.
no warm reception.
no, are you ok?
just...
YOUFUCKEDUP.
thats all i ever got.
why do they think i left!?!??!
eventually, October 20-something rolls around, and kamron breaks up with me.
i cried all of 5th period,
and made a bee-line for adam during passing period. he just held out his arms, and i just clung. i was heart broken.
kamron had been such a bad idea, he would build me up ony to break me down over and over and over... it was horrible.
i got with adam quickly after, on Halloween.
then. march 12 me and my mom got in another fight. a big one. i dont remember our fights, i forget them after about 10 minutes.
thats how bad it is,. i have to mentally block them to be sane.
what the FUCK...
march 18th adam proposed.
made me so happy.
<3

my parents weren;t ready to have a kid and they did.
they still are children. im always the adult!
i know i cant go back to that house.
do you know how many times his hands have been around my throat?
how many times he made me hate myself?
i still hate myself.
im hideous, im a bitch, and i'm way too emtional.
i hate myself.
he did that to me.
....
and she didn't stop him.
then why do i miss them?
what makes them good enough to miss?
what makes them worth my tears, my pain?
what makes them so worthy?
they boned without a condom?
oh JOY.
[godthatsdisgusting]

i dont know how to just let go of all this.
all this pain.
i dont know,
im so lost,
im so lonely.
i have no one to cry to.
i have T.
i love my T.

but their not worth my time.



i hate christmas.




Fuck christmas.

This is mi madre and i.