its been hard.
really, really hard..

unfair.

beast died.

hide and seek.

I’m worried about my boy. He’s getting so angry when his dads brought up… and he won’t talk to anyone about it. He kinda does… but not much. He’s so upset today. I want to cry on his shoulder, and tell him how sad I am, but he’s already got a lot on his plate. So i'm just hiding away my emotions because he’s already upset….

1 year….by the way…

I'm so tired of remembering.

I haven’t been here in a while.
I’ve been really lost lately.
My moms on my mind.
I don’t remember how she sounds when she laughs.
But by god do I remember her cries, her screams… they won’t go away.
I hear them everyday.
And I keep having these dreams….I’m alone and its dark, and I can see my breath. I’m freezing. I say, “I’m so tired of being alone” and I feel arms around me, and I know its Adam- then I say, you came back! And he says he never left… and then I start in on some speech. I don’t know what I’m saying, I don’t understand the words. Then I say, “I’m so tired of remembering…”
And then i wake up.

i ask him if i talk, and he says yes. i don't ask him what i say, i don't want to know... nope nope nope...
i keep having these random like visions of my mom dying horribly. its pretty scary, and i make myself cry.

and people just pissed me off. they get at my picture without me knowing. They destroy it, this thing i photoshopped, without having me there to tell them what it means.


people are small minded and stupid.

ziggy played guitar.

its hard, this depression thing.
i get sad, he gets mad,
i beg, he yells...





shoot me.

joyous insomnia.

made up.
woooo....
don't care,
no sleep.
so many days.
im so tired,
i want to curl into a ball and just crash.
and this class?
bullshit.
i hate VE....
hatehatehate..

i didn't do anything.

i know exactly how he works, and this whole situation sucks.
its like living with my dad all over again.
he's such an angry person...
he's gonna snap.
i don't know if he'd hit me,
what if he takes it out on Adam?
Hana?
Kira?
no, he wouldn't.
its like... he just treats ME like shit.
he was like my brother.
but if he can drop me that fast.
that quick,
like it ain't shit.
like I'm not worth it, not worth his time.
after all the shit I've done.
I'm just sad.
i didn't do anything.
chelsea has so much going on right now,
and she doesn't need extra pain.
she doesn't at all..
and i hurt for me.
i hurt for her,
i hurt for him,
and i hate caring.
tired of caring.
caring is killing me.
but you know who has been amazing during all this?
Adam has taken care of me to an extent I've never seen.
he stops everything when he see's me sad,
he's starting to understand.
he asks whats wrong,
and i say i don't know anymore...
and he just....holds me.