"Hi."

My friend Thomas says,
"Hi."

it was cold, and it rained,I felt like an actor.

So, it’s 80’s day.
I got my punk rock on.
Already got put down.
By my first period teacher.
Awesome, eh?
I’m hella tired…
Didn’t sleep again.

I think too much.

I wrote this a while ago.

i was having an over all just....break down.

I can feel my brain pulsing. I can feel acid sizzling away at my sanity. I can feel my bones as they move. I’ve forgotten what sanity
really is. Do we even know as humans? Am I sane? Maybe I am the sane one, and you are not. Maybe I am the one who see’ clearly and you have
he shroud... I see clearly amongst the fog of civilization. I can see through your eyes, I can see the electricity zing from brain cell to
brain cell. I feel as if i have discovered some kind of Eden in my mind, a place of true existence. True knowledge. Maybe I am the sane one
after all. I see that the keys hit the desk which hits the ground which hits the world which cause a quake which kills a person...
how many people have to die at my expense? How many people must die because I must write out my woes and sorrows? I feel their pain, and it
Hurts my soul. My soul is ripped and torn, shattered and broken. Tattered. I hurt. I'm not crazy; I know i’m not. I don’t know if these are my
words or those of some raving lunatic. I hurt inside. My chest. I’m floating. I don’t know if im loosing touches with reality, or if i’m just...
Loosing touch. I want to see a doctor, but she won’t let me, no no no. I want to see a docter, but I don’t want to take their pills
. My mama would take me, my mama would drug me, and my mama is a dirty whore. A dirty whore who doesn’t try. I want to use her intestines for
jump rope. I want to take my daddy’s head and put it on a pike. I want so many things, I want candy. Delicious candy that melts in your mouth,
Tastes like baby. Dead baby. What is death? Does anyone know, or am I just alone? Death you leave. You just leave. No god, no Jesus.
I can’t tell anyone why don’t believe, no one GETS me. Know one will know. They forced him onto me. It was religion rape, I hurt inside.

Just Let me Burn.

I don;t know anymore.

i don't think anyone reads this anymore,

unless i make T.

or she remembers.

[i'm just an ass for not posting on myspace]

but i need a place where no one can see it. no one.

'cept t.

[ gotta love t]

She's amazing.

shes like a cozy little island in the middle of a raging storm.

cause thats how i feel.

like i have her.

only her.

why?

they took my flower.

they took him away,

its so hard,

knowing you simpply can't have them.

they're right there.

and you can't touch.

i walk with my eyes lowered, by voice quiet. i don't misstep, because apparently if i slightly mess up, i get it. bad bad bad. no communication.

no nothin.

no flower.

no phone.

no communication.

isolation.

i almost hurt myself yesterday.

i almost killed myself.

because i know.

they do it once, they'll do it again and again.

she will.

i know it.

i thought...

i thought i had gotten away from it all.

i thought i had left my dad.

but when she was yellign at me yesterday,

i heard my dad.

i heard him.

i expected to feel his hands around my neck.

his fist on my stomach, his hand slapping my face.

no.

nothing.

but she is so unfair,so cruel.

i was so alone,

so alone and my only friend was this knife.

this knofe on my wrists.

this knife on my throat.

its so hard.

i need him.

i do.

i know i sound like some sobbing like some stupid sobbing female who needs to get over it,

but i...

my depression is so severe right now.

it was suicide watch severe before any of this happened.

god,

im so lost.

Am i lost in your eyes?

It's ok, It's ok....

I’ve lived.
I’ve cried.
I’ve laughed,
But yesterday I straight up died.
Here’s some history:
In the forth grade I had a good friend.
His name was Cody.
Well, last year I met up with him again.
The same day, before I saw him, these two guys gave me like 3 malts.
I didn’t know It was alcohol.
I downed them [my first time drinking in a long, long time].
So I was kinda drunk.

But ok, so I meet him, and we end up walking to his house, and just talking. I fell asleep, and when I woke up, he said to me:
Guess what I did to you last night.
Its exactly what your thinking.
I left at like 6 am, and went and curled up on my best friends bed, across town.

So, yesterday I was at the mall with Adam, and his brother matt.
They went ahead as I looked at headphones to another store.
I was walking to meet them,
And I hear behind me,
“Glad to see you not clinging to someone for once.”
He was referring that whenever I go to the mall, I’m linked arms with whomever I’m with. I told him to go away. Told him go away, I’m engaged, go away.”
He said that it didn’t matter. That me being engaged didn’t matter. That we should go somewhere private.


I told adam.
He got so mad, so mad.
Then he went to me, I was a shaking mess, and he just held me, telling me it was ok, it was ok…

So i Had this dream.

And it went kinda like this:
My mom and i, and like everyone i've ever known- celebrating the new year.
we were at a random hotel,
and i was sitting next to my mom, And out of no where, i asked...
"Do you wanna go swimming with me?"
she just loko9ed ta me- "i don;'t have my swim suit." she said super sad.
i was like.." But i have mine."
she jumped up, "I'll go buy one!"
and i knew she was going to go buy a "Bottle nosed swim suit" what ever that is.
and i thought in my dream, wow she would do anything for me to be happy right now.
and she came back, but i saw her drink alcohol.
my mom used to be an alcoholic.
she quit, but started smoking pot.
now she's clean,and im so proud-
but making me happy in my dream drove her to drinking.


thats it.


im gonna go fold origami cranes for some cancer patient.