If i ever leave this world alive.... again.

i know this won't go away, and i know i have to deal with this right now and right here or else i'm going to go crazy.

i want to kill myself. yes, i am sad, and no i`m not going to do it. but i feel as if people would simply be better off without me. i feel like i even hold t down. i feel like i am nothing but a burden to my parents. i feel like Adam could do better. i feel like at the end of the month, there would be more food if i was gone. i feel like this world would simply improve without me. Yes, people would be sad, but after that sadness, lives would improve. or at least look up a little bit.

I feel like my one life could easily be removed, and make many peoples lives so much more enriched. i feel like i am nothing but a barrier. i am constantly depressed, constantly angry, or constantly clingy. i am nothing.

i try and i try and i try. but there is nothing but more want. i am but one person and i have no more to give. i`m all washed up. now please leave me be. because even though i do it, it isn't good enough. whats the point in trying at all?

in anything? whats the point of anything anymore? only 2 people are true to me all the time. T. Adam. well, and my parents. i love them so much.

i wish people could see i hurt. i wish people could see my tears. but i am invisable. adam knows, but he's...over there.

imagine if he could get some one better, with less emotional baggage. imagine how fine he would have it in life. imagine. imagine.

imagine my parents with me gone. at least they'd have a real excuse i don't get on YIM, right?
imagine t. no more worrying about devon, or doing dtuff for her, or getting her stuff because no one else will.
imagine.

imagine the house with more room. one less person. imagine.


just imagine.


and i'd be your memory.
but all i would want was to be forgotten.
and i can't tell adam this, because he would be so sad, and he doesn't read my blogs.
cause i don't let him.





i need. i don't know what i need.
but something is obviously wrong.

i swear i just wrote about this shit.
stupid mind killing depression.
it takes me down and keeps me down.
your texting me.
keeps me sane as i can be.
i hurt i hurt.
he is so mean sometimes.
i was asking if he was ok.
thats it.
its a game... thats all it is.
and...
i hurt.
i'm done.

Everything You Need to Know Created by yellowdaisy and taken 229 times on Bzoink
The Basics
Full Name:	Devon Vee A.
Nicknames:	Ms. VooDoo, The DevonAtor, Commie, V, Boo, Killgore
Birthdate:	8/16
Place Born:	Vallejo!
Zodiac Sign:	Leo FTW
Height & Weight:	kinda tall, and more to love.
Eye Color:	Brooown.
Hair Color:	Platnium blonde and Black.
Shoe Size:	8
Ring Size:	uhm... 10? i think.
Siblings:	too many.
Tattoos:	wanting.
Piercings:	5.
Hobbies:	computers, video games, reading, writing, drawing, and BOSS <3
Favorites
Color:	Red
Food:	Oranges
Candy:	now and laters. twizzlers
Pizza:	cheese and sausage
Cereal:	OH's
Fruit:	Oranges
Vegetable:	Cabbage
Alcoholic Beverage:	Skyyyy.
Soda:	Vault
Cake:	Lisa'a strawberry cake.
Book:	corner of the universe
Radion Station:	what ever the hell t listens to.
Type of Music:	everything.
Movie:	300, v for vendetta, natural born killers... Monty python of any kind
Cartoon:	Southpark
Actor:	Will smith
Actress:	nicole kidman
Music Group:	MSI.
Day of the Week:	Thursday
Month:	August
Season:	Winter
Holiday:	Halloween
Number:	23
Restaurant:	Uhm....
Teacher:	Mr. gelpke
Hangout:	garages are fun.
Sport to Watch:	...wrestling?
Sport to Play:	swimming
Animal:	Uhm... lizard.
Flower:	Sunflower!
Party Game:	appls to apples
Physical Feature:	Hair ^^
Have You Ever
Been on a Plane:	Yup
Ran into a wall:	Yeah
Fallen out of Bed:	yes ><
Woke up in someones bed:	my friends.
Smoked:	maybe.
Been Drunk:	lol
Kissed someone of the opposite sex:	yes
Kissed someone of the same sex:	yes
Cried over a movie:	yes...
Fallen asleep during a movie:	yes.
Made a Prank Call:	many/
Skipped School:	yeah
Climbed a tree:	gotten stuck, too.
Broken a bone:	nope!
Passed out:	yeah ><
The Last
Song you heard:	Poor jack
Thing you said:	"do it yourself"
Time you cried:	yesterday.
Movie you saw in a theater:	land of the lost
Thing you ate:	mint
Thing you drank:	MONSTER
Person to call you:	uh... tom.
Person you called:	chelsea
Time you showered:	yesterday
At this Moment
What are you doing besides this survey:	texting and hanging out
What are you wearing:	my blue shirt dress thingy, blue jeans and so on.
What are you thinking:	My elbow hurts.
What do you wish yo were doing:	alot of things/
Your Future
Occupation:	Psycologist.
Marriage Site:	outside, if i get my way.
Honeymoon:	i wanna go to Tibet.
Place to Live:	i wish somewhere mountain-like.
Kids:	a couple.
Vehicle:	some kind of eco friendly car.
What are your plans for tomoro:	write moe stories, and clean the room again.
What are your plans for this weekend:	^
Next Vacation Site:	dunno.
Out of your Friends
Best Friend:	T.David.Chelsea.kira.Adam.
Funniest:	Adam.
Loudest:	Chelsea.
Quietest:	T.
Craziest:	Kira.
Smartest:	David.
Sexiest:	Adam!
Most Hyper:	Chelsea...or kira.
Most Annoying:	chelsea, lol
Drinks the most:	David.
Parties the most:	David.
Has Kids:	none.
Is Married:	adam kinda.
Your Crush
Who are you curently crushing on:	ADAM!
Who do you want tobe with right now:	adam!
Who do you wanna hug:	T!
Who do wanna kiss:	adam!
What is something you dont understand about the opposite sex:	why are you so fucking DUMB.
First thing you notice in the opposite sex:	hair. shirt off? chestttt.
What do you look for in personality:	open open open.
Biggest Turn off:	being a dick.
Biggest Turn on:	bwing dominent.
Do you like to hug:	yes!
This Or That
Coke or Pepsi:	Pepsi
Sprite or Sierra Mist:	Monster.
Boxers or Briefs:	Boxers are sexy.
Bikini Underwear or Thong:	bikini
Flowers or Candy:	Candy
TV or Radio:	Radio
Coffee or Tea:	Coffee
Sun or Moon:	moon
Day or Night:	night
Dog or Cat:	dog
Ford or Dodge:	Ford
Dodge or Chevy:	Ford
Blond or Brunette:	Both!
Tall or Short:	tall
Comedy or Romance:	Comedy
Movie at home or Theater:	Theatre
Single or Group Date:	group
Single or Taken:	taken
Other Randomness
What color is your shirt:	Blue on blue on blue.
What size is your bed:	queen? smaller maybe? big!
How long does it take you to shower:	edpends on my mood
What is something you cant live without:	music.
Can you cook:	Bake.
How old do you wanna be when you get married:	when im ready.
Where do you wanna get married:	when.im.ready.
What is your best physical feature:	nothing? lol
Do you talk to yourself:	kinda. its complicated.
Do you get annoyed easily:	YES.
Do you like piercing and tattoos:	yeees.
Are you crazy?:	legally.
Do you like to make out:	kinda.
Can you swim:	yup.
Could you be a teacher:	little kids.
Do you like Orange juice:	yup!
Are you bored:	very.
You've been totally Bzoink*d! Take This Survey | Search Surveys | Create a Survey

I have to fake happy so i don't get inspected.
'Why the pouty face?' she'll say.
nothing nothing i'll have to reply.
im not allowed to miss my parents.
but just now she showed some kind of love.
i just... what am i to do?
i sat here, and stared at adam, and considered suicide for about 30 minutes straight.
i can't even...
writing is way too hard.

just so you know.

i love my wifey.


love,



sunshine.

You wish.

You know when a person is a keeper when they come see you because your sad. you know you have have a friend for life when your writing a personal diary, or a blog, or anything and you feel like your writing to them-or like their going to read it. you know someone is meant to be in your life when spending 2 hours with them can feel like the best medicine in the world. You know you love some one more then the world when talking to them doesn't have a limit. there isn't a doubt on what you should and shouldn't tell them- even if they don't want to hear about bloody-booger crap. the simplest thing can mean more then anything, and this is a moment i will never forget. spending time with t has put me at peace, because i know through the fire and flames, there will always be T.
i fucking love you, and i know you wish you could cuss like me.

Just one more pretty please.

He lied to me.
in his oh so depressed apology.. he lied to my face again.
will he ever....not?
he cheated on me.
he cheated.
cheated.
such a harsh word.
all those jokes...
and now... now its not a joke. he did.
i can't even cry.
i can't.
i've pushed so many emotions back to try and keep the edge on the little sanity.
i'm on this cliff, and the only thing holding me up is adam,
on a thick rope-
that has a giant gash in it.
i can see the threads one by one popping.
lie POP lie POP,
i sleep farther and farther,
then i will fall.

I gave it all up for him. i gave everything.
i gave my fmaily i gave it all i gave it all and he does this?
i gave him everything?
[fullfill my promise]
made one.
to myself.
heh.
anyways.
everything.
everything.
where did you go? once the lights turned black...
i can't... i can't...
it hurts,
it all hurts,
everything is dead dead,
he promised he promised.
he'd protect me.
its like being in a safe haven with a ravenous bear.
not so safe.
i... i'm cracking.
i literally cannot deal with this,
my mentality is crumbling.
snap goes the strings.
i want to bleed, i want to burn, i want to live, i want to die, i want to dissappear make everyones life somuch easier i want him to see my pain and not say its over this will be on my shoulders for so long,cheated cheated cheated. i want to cry. i want to cry. i want to cry. i want my mommy i want my daddy i want my flower to see what he has done he ripped me down and i can feel those cold metal walls around me again the ones that wont let anyone in the ones that let my emotions ping of the inside of my skull over and over and over because only i need to know that no one else needs to know nope nope nope. i guess i knew this all along. he says it was too good to be true- look at me! it WAS to good to be true. there WAS a catch. there was. yet i try to console him. does that make me weak, or extremely strong? stupid?
oh i know, in love.
this ring feels so heavy,
he lied to my face.
he lied he lied he lied.
how do you make that trust again?
thats not something you can forget.
i hate myself, i could never hate him. i hate me. i hate me.
am i not enough?
not pretty enough?
not loving enough?
i mean he could wake me up or ask me anytime and we'd fuck like silly. i'd do anything for him, anything. maybe he doesn't want me anymore.
i know i don't want me anymore.
maybe the feeling is mutual.
HE LIED TO ME ABOUT THE STUPIDEST THING!
lookingup gay porn. he was bored and found it interesting, not arousing.
and he lied about that?
I WATCH GOATS FUCK BECAUSE I THINK ITS INTERESTING!
i GET it.
he KNOWS THAT.
i hate myself.
he thinks he can't trust me with anything, obviously.
i don't know.
i van think of one thing i've never told him.
and its not really a need-to-know thing.
BUT-
if i find yu cheating on me, and i ASK did you look at this?
AND YOU SAY NO YOU SNIVELING LITTLE ROTTEN PEICE OF DECAYING FLESH,
then it is bad.
and i hate this.
i never thought..
i never thought...
i just want to go to sleep,
but if i lay i won't be able...
i'll think... i'll die more-
yes i am quiet dead...
alot of me died recently.
died- defeated-same thing.
i feel like i have to be supergirl all the time.
they dont want me talking yo anyone.
not baout this.
then who?
who?!
no one, dead diary...
no one.