I have to take this pain, and turn it into anger. i have to make it fuel me in a way that is positive, and good. take my aches, my pains, and let that motivate me to never let it happen to me again. i will not be manipulated. i will not be hurt more then once. there are no re-dos, you do not respawn. i refuse to be the ignorant female who gets beaten down and stays anyways. ive been there and it is not a happy place. it is not a good thing. i have a good thing going for me right now, but i still get scared, ive been used ive been hurt in all senses of the word- people change in anger. You never know.
I;m a paranoid mess, but i keep glancing back, thinking. wondering. theres this small window of.. Remember that? remember my puzzle peice? then i make myself pull ALL the curtains back to see the monster of the relationship. i see suicidal thoughts i see mental abuse. i see pain, i see having to stand my ground alone when i should have had my partner.
now i look at my life. its tainted with pain, it paranoid, but i am safe, i am happy. i have many new, and old good influence, and i am loved. appreciated.
3.1.10
Lets start this again, shall we?
I started this blog by complaining, and i started it by bitching. i Don't want to delete it simply because of memories, but lets start one more time.
My name is Devon Vee, and i want to see things differently. I'm the person who will actually listen to the other sides of arguments just out of the pure curiosity that pretty much rules my life. I'm that person whose curiosity gets them into trouble.
I'm o.k. with that.
Meh, no one reads this anyways.
My name is Devon Vee, and i want to see things differently. I'm the person who will actually listen to the other sides of arguments just out of the pure curiosity that pretty much rules my life. I'm that person whose curiosity gets them into trouble.
I'm o.k. with that.
Meh, no one reads this anyways.
23.8.09
it didnt even matter. went to see a movie. fun and all.
18, oh yay.
graduation? didn't do shit.
she fucking graduates AND OH MY GOD.
FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU.
why didn't you come home?
come home.
i wanna go home.
im crying with the door open.
and no one is here for me.
no one.
i don't belong here.
i feel so useless.
18, oh yay.
graduation? didn't do shit.
she fucking graduates AND OH MY GOD.
FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU.
why didn't you come home?
come home.
i wanna go home.
im crying with the door open.
and no one is here for me.
no one.
i don't belong here.
i feel so useless.
22.8.09
I’m totally not blogging from blogger.
New Laptop! and it has blogger ON the desktop.
How OG is that?
14.7.09
If i ever leave this world alive.... again.
i know this won't go away, and i know i have to deal with this right now and right here or else i'm going to go crazy.
i want to kill myself. yes, i am sad, and no i`m not going to do it. but i feel as if people would simply be better off without me. i feel like i even hold t down. i feel like i am nothing but a burden to my parents. i feel like Adam could do better. i feel like at the end of the month, there would be more food if i was gone. i feel like this world would simply improve without me. Yes, people would be sad, but after that sadness, lives would improve. or at least look up a little bit.
I feel like my one life could easily be removed, and make many peoples lives so much more enriched. i feel like i am nothing but a barrier. i am constantly depressed, constantly angry, or constantly clingy. i am nothing.
i try and i try and i try. but there is nothing but more want. i am but one person and i have no more to give. i`m all washed up. now please leave me be. because even though i do it, it isn't good enough. whats the point in trying at all?
in anything? whats the point of anything anymore? only 2 people are true to me all the time. T. Adam. well, and my parents. i love them so much.
i wish people could see i hurt. i wish people could see my tears. but i am invisable. adam knows, but he's...over there.
imagine if he could get some one better, with less emotional baggage. imagine how fine he would have it in life. imagine. imagine.
imagine my parents with me gone. at least they'd have a real excuse i don't get on YIM, right?
imagine t. no more worrying about devon, or doing dtuff for her, or getting her stuff because no one else will.
imagine.
imagine the house with more room. one less person. imagine.
just imagine.
and i'd be your memory.
but all i would want was to be forgotten.
and i can't tell adam this, because he would be so sad, and he doesn't read my blogs.
cause i don't let him.
i need. i don't know what i need.
but something is obviously wrong.
i want to kill myself. yes, i am sad, and no i`m not going to do it. but i feel as if people would simply be better off without me. i feel like i even hold t down. i feel like i am nothing but a burden to my parents. i feel like Adam could do better. i feel like at the end of the month, there would be more food if i was gone. i feel like this world would simply improve without me. Yes, people would be sad, but after that sadness, lives would improve. or at least look up a little bit.
I feel like my one life could easily be removed, and make many peoples lives so much more enriched. i feel like i am nothing but a barrier. i am constantly depressed, constantly angry, or constantly clingy. i am nothing.
i try and i try and i try. but there is nothing but more want. i am but one person and i have no more to give. i`m all washed up. now please leave me be. because even though i do it, it isn't good enough. whats the point in trying at all?
in anything? whats the point of anything anymore? only 2 people are true to me all the time. T. Adam. well, and my parents. i love them so much.
i wish people could see i hurt. i wish people could see my tears. but i am invisable. adam knows, but he's...over there.
imagine if he could get some one better, with less emotional baggage. imagine how fine he would have it in life. imagine. imagine.
imagine my parents with me gone. at least they'd have a real excuse i don't get on YIM, right?
imagine t. no more worrying about devon, or doing dtuff for her, or getting her stuff because no one else will.
imagine.
imagine the house with more room. one less person. imagine.
just imagine.
and i'd be your memory.
but all i would want was to be forgotten.
and i can't tell adam this, because he would be so sad, and he doesn't read my blogs.
cause i don't let him.
i need. i don't know what i need.
but something is obviously wrong.
26.6.09
13.6.09
| Everything You Need to Know Created by yellowdaisy and taken 229 times on Bzoink | |
| The Basics | |
| Full Name: | Devon Vee A. |
| Nicknames: | Ms. VooDoo, The DevonAtor, Commie, V, Boo, Killgore |
| Birthdate: | 8/16 |
| Place Born: | Vallejo! |
| Zodiac Sign: | Leo FTW |
| Height & Weight: | kinda tall, and more to love. |
| Eye Color: | Brooown. |
| Hair Color: | Platnium blonde and Black. |
| Shoe Size: | 8 |
| Ring Size: | uhm... 10? i think. |
| Siblings: | too many. |
| Tattoos: | wanting. |
| Piercings: | 5. |
| Hobbies: | computers, video games, reading, writing, drawing, and BOSS <3 |
| Favorites | |
| Color: | Red |
| Food: | Oranges |
| Candy: | now and laters. twizzlers |
| Pizza: | cheese and sausage |
| Cereal: | OH's |
| Fruit: | Oranges |
| Vegetable: | Cabbage |
| Alcoholic Beverage: | Skyyyy. |
| Soda: | Vault |
| Cake: | Lisa'a strawberry cake. |
| Book: | corner of the universe |
| Radion Station: | what ever the hell t listens to. |
| Type of Music: | everything. |
| Movie: | 300, v for vendetta, natural born killers... Monty python of any kind |
| Cartoon: | Southpark |
| Actor: | Will smith |
| Actress: | nicole kidman |
| Music Group: | MSI. |
| Day of the Week: | Thursday |
| Month: | August |
| Season: | Winter |
| Holiday: | Halloween |
| Number: | 23 |
| Restaurant: | Uhm.... |
| Teacher: | Mr. gelpke |
| Hangout: | garages are fun. |
| Sport to Watch: | ...wrestling? |
| Sport to Play: | swimming |
| Animal: | Uhm... lizard. |
| Flower: | Sunflower! |
| Party Game: | appls to apples |
| Physical Feature: | Hair ^^ |
| Have You Ever | |
| Been on a Plane: | Yup |
| Ran into a wall: | Yeah |
| Fallen out of Bed: | yes >< |
| Woke up in someones bed: | my friends. |
| Smoked: | maybe. |
| Been Drunk: | lol |
| Kissed someone of the opposite sex: | yes |
| Kissed someone of the same sex: | yes |
| Cried over a movie: | yes... |
| Fallen asleep during a movie: | yes. |
| Made a Prank Call: | many/ |
| Skipped School: | yeah |
| Climbed a tree: | gotten stuck, too. |
| Broken a bone: | nope! |
| Passed out: | yeah >< |
| The Last | |
| Song you heard: | Poor jack |
| Thing you said: | "do it yourself" |
| Time you cried: | yesterday. |
| Movie you saw in a theater: | land of the lost |
| Thing you ate: | mint |
| Thing you drank: | MONSTER |
| Person to call you: | uh... tom. |
| Person you called: | chelsea |
| Time you showered: | yesterday |
| At this Moment | |
| What are you doing besides this survey: | texting and hanging out |
| What are you wearing: | my blue shirt dress thingy, blue jeans and so on. |
| What are you thinking: | My elbow hurts. |
| What do you wish yo were doing: | alot of things/ |
| Your Future | |
| Occupation: | Psycologist. |
| Marriage Site: | outside, if i get my way. |
| Honeymoon: | i wanna go to Tibet. |
| Place to Live: | i wish somewhere mountain-like. |
| Kids: | a couple. |
| Vehicle: | some kind of eco friendly car. |
| What are your plans for tomoro: | write moe stories, and clean the room again. |
| What are your plans for this weekend: | ^ |
| Next Vacation Site: | dunno. |
| Out of your Friends | |
| Best Friend: | T.David.Chelsea.kira.Adam. |
| Funniest: | Adam. |
| Loudest: | Chelsea. |
| Quietest: | T. |
| Craziest: | Kira. |
| Smartest: | David. |
| Sexiest: | Adam! |
| Most Hyper: | Chelsea...or kira. |
| Most Annoying: | chelsea, lol |
| Drinks the most: | David. |
| Parties the most: | David. |
| Has Kids: | none. |
| Is Married: | adam kinda. |
| Your Crush | |
| Who are you curently crushing on: | ADAM! |
| Who do you want tobe with right now: | adam! |
| Who do you wanna hug: | T! |
| Who do wanna kiss: | adam! |
| What is something you dont understand about the opposite sex: | why are you so fucking DUMB. |
| First thing you notice in the opposite sex: | hair. shirt off? chestttt. |
| What do you look for in personality: | open open open. |
| Biggest Turn off: | being a dick. |
| Biggest Turn on: | bwing dominent. |
| Do you like to hug: | yes! |
| This Or That | |
| Coke or Pepsi: | Pepsi |
| Sprite or Sierra Mist: | Monster. |
| Boxers or Briefs: | Boxers are sexy. |
| Bikini Underwear or Thong: | bikini |
| Flowers or Candy: | Candy |
| TV or Radio: | Radio |
| Coffee or Tea: | Coffee |
| Sun or Moon: | moon |
| Day or Night: | night |
| Dog or Cat: | dog |
| Ford or Dodge: | Ford |
| Dodge or Chevy: | Ford |
| Blond or Brunette: | Both! |
| Tall or Short: | tall |
| Comedy or Romance: | Comedy |
| Movie at home or Theater: | Theatre |
| Single or Group Date: | group |
| Single or Taken: | taken |
| Other Randomness | |
| What color is your shirt: | Blue on blue on blue. |
| What size is your bed: | queen? smaller maybe? big! |
| How long does it take you to shower: | edpends on my mood |
| What is something you cant live without: | music. |
| Can you cook: | Bake. |
| How old do you wanna be when you get married: | when im ready. |
| Where do you wanna get married: | when.im.ready. |
| What is your best physical feature: | nothing? lol |
| Do you talk to yourself: | kinda. its complicated. |
| Do you get annoyed easily: | YES. |
| Do you like piercing and tattoos: | yeees. |
| Are you crazy?: | legally. |
| Do you like to make out: | kinda. |
| Can you swim: | yup. |
| Could you be a teacher: | little kids. |
| Do you like Orange juice: | yup! |
| Are you bored: | very. |
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